kyleandkelly.com

First, the family news part: two weekends ago, we went down to Indy to see the Colts whoop up on the Falcons (we’re talking professional football–American football–for the non-sports fans). The Indianapolis Colts won big time, and we all enjoyed ourselves, despite the nosebleeds and proximity to obstructed view seating.

Now then, having attended several Colts games over the past few years, I’ve discovered the following cardinal rule. It may only apply to the type of seats I can afford; I can’t speak to the suite-dwellers, or season ticket holders. Anyhow, here are the tenets of the “Drunken Football Expert Law” :

# No matter where you sit, you will be within earshot of a fan who will likely be drunk before the opening kickoff can be returned.
# Said fan will not suffer his or her inebriation in silence, but quite the opposite, will make themselves known to the entire section.
# Invariably, their ravings will follow this pattern–before the play, they are the expert. “PLAY ACTION: TWELVE YARDS GUARANTEED!” Or, “GOTTA RUN A $%*&@ING STRETCH PLAY! BAM! TOUCHDOWN!” They know exactly how a particular play will turn out.
# When the team doesn’t run that play and the outcome is as good or better than requested play, the drunken fan is not deterred.
# Heaven forbid, if the team should muff a play (any play, not necessarily the predicted one), cover your “freakin’ ears”:http://behindsimpsons.tripod.com/f-inears.wav because the Drunken Football Expert will launch into a profanity-laced tirade about the idiots on the football team, their mothers, their virility/manliness (or lack thereof), etc.
# Three plays later, as the touchdown is scored, the same fan will be praising the superstars, their mothers, and their virility/manliness.

These are the tenets of “The Drunken Football Expert Law”.

written by Kyle